No Place Like London

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders

From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru

But there's no place like London!

I feel home again

I could hear the city bells ring

Whatever I would do

No, there's no place like London!

Mr. Todd, sir

You are young

Life has been kind to you

You will learn

♪

So Antony, it is here we go our several ways

Farewell, I shall not soon forget the good ship bountiful

Nor the young man who saved my life

Alms, alms for a miserable woman

On a miserable chilly mornin'

Oh, thank you, sir, thank you

How would you like a little squiff, dear?

A little jig-jig, a little bounce around the bush

Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?

It looks to me, dear, like you've got plenty there to push

Alms, alms for a pitiful woman

What's got wandering wits

Hey, don't I know you, mister?

Must you glare at me, woman?

Off with you, off I say

Then how would you like to fish me squiff, Mister?

We'll go jig-jig, a little

Off I said to the devil with you!

♪

Alms, alms for a desperate woman

Pardon me, sir

But there's no need to fear the likes of her

She's only a half-crazed beggar woman

London's full of them

♪

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

And its morals aren't worth what a pig can spit

And it goes by the name of London

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few

Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo

Turning beauty into filth and greed

I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders

For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru

But there's no place like London