Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Ladies and Gentlemen!

May I have your attention please?

Do you wake every morning in shame and despair

To discover your pillow is covered with hair

Wot ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen

From now on you can waken at ease

You need never again have a worry or care

I will show you a miracle marvelous rare

Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose

From the dead!

On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen

I was struck with a horrible dermatologic disease

Though the finest physicians in London were called

I awakened one morning amazed and appalled

To discover with dread that my head was as bald

As a novice's knees!

I was dying of shame

Till a gentleman came

An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name

He give me a liquid as precious as gold

I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told

And behold!

Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's

Miracle elixir

That's what did the trick, sir

True, sir, true

Was it quick, sir?

Did it in a tick, sir

Just like an elixir

Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?

Only costs a penny, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, I don't know (Go ahead and tug, sir)

You don't need (Go ahead, sir, harder)

Ah, let's go

Does Pirelli's

Stimulate the growth, sir?

You can have my oath, sir

'Tis unique

Rub a minute

Stimulatin', in'it?

Soon you'll have to thin it

Once a week!

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, might as well (How about a sample?)

Gently dab it

Gets to be a habit

Soon there'll be enough, sir

Somebody can grab it

See this chap with

Hair like Shelley's?

You can tell 'e's

Used Pirelli's!

Let me have a bottle

Make that two!

Pardon me, ma'm, what's that awful stink?

Are we standing near an open trench?

Buy Pirelli's

Miracle elixir

Anything wot's slick, sir

Soon sprouts curls

Try Pirelli's

When they see how thick, sir

You can have your pick, sir

Of the girls!

Wanna buy a bottle, missus? (What is this? What is this?)

Penny for a bottle (Smells like piss. Smells like - phew!)

He says it smells like piss (Looks like piss)

This is piss. Piss with ink

Let me smell that bottle

I don't want no ink piss! (Never mind that madman, mister!)

Give us back our money!

Where is this Pirelli?

Yeah, where is this Pirelli?

Let Pirelli's

Activate your roots, sir

Keep it off your boots, sir

Eats right through (Go and get Pirelli!)

Yes, get Pirelli's!

Use a bottle of it

Ladies seem to love it—

Flies do, too!

Hand the bloody money over

Hand the bloody money over

See Pirelli's

Miracle Elixir

Grow a little wick, sir

Then some fuzz

See, Pirelli's

Soon'll make it thick, sir

Like a good elixir

Always does!

Trust Pirelli's

If your hair is sick, sir

Fix it in the nick, sir

Don't look grim

Just Pirelli's

Miracle Elixir

That'll do the trick, sir—

What about the money?

If you got a kick, sir

What about the money?

Where is this Pirelli?

Go and get Pirelli!

What about our money?

Talk to him!