Gone to Oregon

Good morning (Good morning)

We stand before the journey

That leads us all to Oregon (to Oregon)

A pioneer adventure

Down the trail

To Oregon (to Oregon)

To Wisconsin

Grandpa?

What? My legs hurt

By God's command we dare to land in

Wisconsin!

We're going to Oregon, Grandpa

I wanna go to Wisconsin

The promised land will not wait for us

We leave our home with faith and trust

We'll find the place of our destiny

And spread our family seed

(We'll find the place of our destiny and spread our family seed)

Now the show begins

Ah-ah-hum

♪

Now our journey begins

In the 1800's

In a little city in Missouri

Before we start, you decide on the names

Of all the people in your wagon party

You must decide who these pioneers are

Are they carpenters, or bankers, or leaving their farm?

It's time to spin a personal yarn

Carefully choose each name

Cause this is more than a game

(It's more than a game)

(Oh yeah, it's more than a game - no two shows will ever be the same)

My first pioneer will be President Polk

I know he'd be a good leader of the wagon

Good job, now dear, that's what we're going for

You'd be extra careful not to kill him

I think I would use my Mom and Dad's name, of course

So I'll make sure they'll never get divorced

That might be too much information

But hey! It's great to have a personal connection

I would make my family rich!

They'd be bankers from New York

Richie, Johnny, Emily, and Peter, and Sue

Their bank fell down now they're poor!

That's great kids, keep up the good work!

Hey Grandpa, what would your names be?

Oh, well let me tell ya:

Dick-Suck, Dick-Face, Hairy-Tit, and Dr. Buttnugget

Heh heh

Grandpa? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

What? They're names

Hairy-Tit? Grandpa you're setting a bad example for our pioneers here

You're going to make them think it's a good

Idea to name their wagon parties stupid things

Well they should

We are gone

To Oregon

It's the greatest family vacation!

It'll bring us together

Couldn't think of nothing better

Heck! Time for some family fun

On the trail to Oregon

All right pioneers, what do you say?

What would you like to name me, your wagon leader?

(Jack Bauer!)

Jack Bauer? I like the sound of that!

(Yeah!)

I'm Jack Bauer, a farmer from Illinois

All my skills will be useless on the trail

My beautiful family is counting on me

A lot of pressure, I can't afford to fail!

Alright pioneers, now what would you like to name your wagon mother?

(Slippery When Wet!)

That is Slippery When Wet! That's super sexy

(Yeah!)

I'm Slippery When Wet, and I'm a mother of two

Could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do

Why did you get to choose?

Well, honey,

I don't know if you know this, but I wrote the show

Just how this one goes

Yeah, well we're not gonna get very far as a bunch of fuckin' farmers

All right honey

Well no wagon party is complete without a litter of youngin's,

The eldest of which is Slippery When

Wet and Jack Bauer's teenage daughter

What would you like to name her?

(Mouthface!)

Mouthface? I'll take it!

Now what about our all-American son with a face like apple pie?

(Craphole!)

Hmm, Craphole? That sounds good!

(Yeah!)

Craphole, yeah that's me!

I'm seven and I'm male

Mouthface is what my friends call me

I'm looking for love on the trail

Ew! Gross!

I hope you're bit by a snake!

I hope you break your back!

Hey I found wild fruit

Pay attention, Dad

Are we gonna stop at the forts?

I forgot to shave

Did we bring enough food?

We could write on Grandpa's grave

Everyone just behave

Because it's only a game

(It's only a game, I guess it's only a game)

(The Trail to Oregon is nothing but a game)

We'll be there soon

In Oreg-oon

Honestly it beats milking cow tits

We could be in a kitchen doing something with a chicken

But we couldn't give less of a crap

'Cause we're making it to Oreg-ap

All right pioneers, let's get a move on

Now wait a minute you shickenkit son of a bitch

You forgot my name

How could I forget?

What would you like to name our lovely Grandpa?

(Titty Mitty!)

Titty Mitty? I like that name!

Of course you do

(Yay!)

It's time to run to Oregon

It's too late to change the show now

You could go next door and see something professional

We wouldn't blame you a bit

It beats sitting through this Ore-shit

We're Broadway-bound in Oreg-ound

Cause there's no Broadway in Chicago

Who will forget their name?

And who will get the YouTube fame?

These are questions to ask

When you're playing Oreg-ask

It's more than a game

Life is really great

On the trail to Oreg-ate!