A Summer in Ohio

I could have a mansion on a hill

I could lease a villa in Seville

But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio

With a gay midget named Karl

Playing Tevye and Porgy

I could wander Paris after dark

Take a carriage ride through Central Park

But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio

Where I'm sharing a room

With a former stripper and her snake

Wayne

I could have a satchel full of dollar bills

Cures for all the nation's ills

Pills to make a lion purr

I could be in line to be the British Queen

Look like I was seventeen

Still I'm certain I'd prefer

To be going slowly batty

Forty miles east of Cincinnati

I could shove an ice pick in my eye

I could eat some fish from last July

But it wouldn't be as awful as a summer in Ohio

Without cable, hot water

Vietnamese food, or you

I saw your book at a Borders in Kentucky

Under a sign that said "New and recommended"

I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve

And then I couldn't leave

Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet

Then he said, "All things considered, I guess you don't have to buy it"

So I smiled like Mona Lisa and I lay my Visa down

He wants me, he wants me

But he ain't gonna get me

I've found my guiding light

I tell the stars each night

"Look at me! Look at him! Son-of-a-bitch

I guess I'm doing something right!

I finally got something right!"

No, it's not Nirvana, but it's on the way

I play Anita at the matinee

Then I'll get on my knees and pray

I can state in my next bio

I'm never gonna go back to Ohio!

I could chew on tin foil for a spell

I could get a root canal in Hell

But it wouldn't be as swell

As this summer is gonna be

'Cause the torture is just exquisite

While I'm waiting for you to visit

So hurry up, schmuck, get unstuck and get on the scene!

Love, the midget, the stripper, Wayne the snake

And Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein

That's me!