(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Well, I brought my own '45s

So if you put 'em on

I'll show you my stuff

Haven't you already shown us enough?

Oh, my god, how times have changed

This girl's either blind or completely deranged

Ah, but time seemed to halt

When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

Childhood dreams for me were cracked

When that damn Shirley Temple, stole my freakin' act

But the crown's in the vault

From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges

They padded their cups but I screwed the judges

Those broads thought they'd win if a plate they would spin

In their dance, not a chance

'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze

While belting high C's and preparing souffles

With that triple somersault

Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs

Proceed, are you scared we're on live?

No, I'm sure I can cope

Well, this show isn't broadcast

In Cinemascope

I never drank one chocolate malt

No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

How many sweaters do you own?

Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty

Let me see, I have three, five

No, wait, I have twenty

I would say Oy gevalt'

If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs

A tycoon I wed so cuddly and funny

The old fart dropped dead but left tons of money

So I bought this station so all of the nation could see

Baby amber and me

Do you dance like you dress?

Amber, there's no need to be cruel

Would you swim in an integrated pool?

I sure would, I'm all for integration it's the new frontier

Not in Baltimore it isn't and may I be frank?

First impressions can be tough

And when I saw you, I knew it

If your size weren't enough

Your last answer just blew it

And so, my dear, so short and stout

You'll never be in so we're kicking you out

You can't get past me kid but it isn't your fault

It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs

You may go, thank you? Gee Tracy, that went well

Hello, may I please audition?

No, but you can bow and exalt

Your just down with a case of, Miss Baltimore Crabs