A Summer in Ohio

I could have a mansion on the hill

I could lease a villa in Seville

But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio

With a gay midget named Karl, playing Tevye and Porgy

I could wander Paris after dark

Take a carriage ride through Central Park

But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio

Where I'm sharing a room with a former stripper and her snake, Wayne

I could have a satchel full of dollar bills

Cures for all the nation's ills

Pills to make a lion purr

I could be in line to be the British queen

Look like I was seventeen

Still, I'm certain I'd prefer to be going slowly batty

Forty miles east of Cincinnati

I could shove an ice pick in my eye

I could eat some fish from last July

But it wouldn't be as awful as a summer in Ohio

Without cable, hot water, Vietnamese food, or you

I saw your book at a Target in Kentucky

Under a sign that said "New and Recommended"

I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve, and then I couldn't leave

Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet

And he said, "All things considered, I guess you don't have to buy it"

So I smile like Mona Lisa, and I lay my Visa down

He wants me, he wants me, but he ain't gonna get me

I've found my guiding light, I tell the stars each night

"Look at me, look at him

Son of a bitch! I guess I'm doing something right

I finally got something right"

No, it's not Nirvana, but it's on the way

I play "Anita" at the matinée

Then I'll get on my knees, and pray I can state in my next bio

"I'm never gonna go back to Ohio!"

I could chew on tin foil for a spell

I could get a root canal in hell

But it wouldn't be as swell as this summer is gonna be

'Cause the torture is just exquisite, while I'm waiting for you to visit

So hurry up, schmuck, get unstuck and get on the scene

Love, the midget, the stripper

Wayne the snake, and Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein

That's me!